The Top Reasons You're Still Unemployed

The U.S. unemployment rate is near a record low.  Find out why that means nothing to you with The Top Reasons You're Still Unemployed.

 Companies don't hire grown men who show up to interviews dressed like Thor.

 You've seen how far not working has gotten the Kardashians.

Your interviewer points out a typo on your resume which says you "WANK well with others."  And then you say that's not a typo.

 Your only reference is Ramon, your weed dealer.

 Why work when you're dining on steak, lobster, and caviar every night thanks to those sweet food stamps?

 Your forehead tattoo of Marge and Homer Simpson having sex might have something to do with it.

 It's hard to explain that 28-year gap in your resume.

 Potential employers don't find your all-emoji resume as innovative as you do. 

 You're labeled "chronically unemployed."  Well, more accurately, you're unemployed because of "the chronic."

 Duh.  Your lazy ass hasn't looked for work.

You keep telling interviewers what you REALLY think about women in the workplace.

 You're focused on getting a job that lets you work from home.  But unfortunately, no one's hiring in your mom's basement.

 Between Jared Kushner and James Franco, there are no jobs left for you.

 You're waiting for the quill and ink industry to make its big comeback.

 Still haven't mastered the fundamentals . . . like soap.

 You like to brag on job applications that you've seen more porn than anyone you know.

 Your last name is "Baldwin" . . . and your first name is "Stephen."

 During department meetings, you "protest" by taking a knee.

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