The Top Reasons You Haven't Made It as a Stand Up Comic

The dream of aspiring stand up comics is to some day make it big.  Unfortunately, that won't happen for many of them.  Here are The Top Reasons You Haven't Made It as a Stand Up Comic.

 You're so bad that other comedians take a knee during your act.

You don't have Seinfeld's delivery.  Or Louis C.K.'s junk.

 You don't have a catchphrase like, "Git 'er done," or "Dyno-mite" or "Drink this funny-tasting cocktail."

You say the N-word more than Dave Chappelle, but you're white.  Also, you're not joking.

 You haven't posed for a photo holding our president's decapitated head.

 You're really popular with women . . . because they don't have to worry about laugh lines.

 The only thing you can do a "tight fifteen" of is jail time for dealing methamphetamine.

 The only props in the trunk you bring on stage are sex toys.

 Your "observational comedy" is mostly "observations" about how hot you think your sister is.

 You think all TV commercials are reasonable.

 You're only slightly unhappy.

 Your only skills are pacing and repeating.  And Chris Rock has that covered.

 Your moniker is Kale Top.

 Audiences don't seem interested in exploring the hilarious differences between left-handers and right-handers.

 90% of your act is knock-knock jokes.

 You haven't bought a tomato in ten years because you pick up so many on stage during your act.

 Your ventriloquist dummy is mute. 

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